Mourning as healing

I’m mouring all of the lost years I spent in a bed.

I’m mouring losing 8 out of 10 years with my youngest child (8 of 14 with the oldest). She was just 2 years old when I got ill and can’t remember a mom with energy.

I’m mourning all the desperation, the seeking for advice, the wanting to give up, the pressure from others to get better.

I’m mourning the awful feelings of being tied up and unable to help myself. Of being totally helpless. Of too many demands and too much pressure.

I’m mourning all of the things I missed out on. All the stage appearance of my kids, all the day trips and playing. All the activities I couldn’t join.

I’m mourning all the years I couldn’t work and that I had to drop out of my career. My new job must be very adapted to me and my autism, stress sensitivity, etc. I cannot do what I would like the most, I will have to go with what can be adjusted for me.

I mourn all these things since I need to do that. I need to process it to be able to let it go. I’m moving out of the trauma and putting it in the past. And therefore I need to mourn it. Mourn and let go.