Mental inktober day 9: panic disorder (panikångest)

Panic attacks are the worst bodily sensation ever in my opinion. Nausea, tingling fingers, a beating heart, an extreme fear, difficulty breathing, an urge to lie down AND run around at the same time. Many people go to the hospital thinking they’ve had an heart attack. It feels like you’re about to die.

Panic attacks are the extreme form of anxiety/fear. Panic disorder (panikångest) is when you start to avoid different triggers. Life can get very limited when you avoid everything that may cause a panic attack.

I had multiple panic attacks some years after the traumatic assault and started avoiding things. Later on I learned to stop them in time by breathing in a square. (Google it.) Nowadays I don’t fear it anymore since I know I can stop it in time.

Handling my anxiety attack

I had a really bad anxiety attack yesterday with a knot/lump in my throat, burning chest, cramping stomache and shallow breathing.

In these situations I most often want to be held or escape, but it doesn’t do the trick, so I went to my room and started drawing.

After some quick intuitive drawings I got furious and drew a really nasty drawing that I then crumbled and cut into small pieces. I then hit and strangled a pillow for some minutes.

I told myself I have the right to feel this way and that my feelings are valid.

Afterwards I played a board game with my family and managed to let it go (for now).

The last days my normal low key anxiety has moved towards panic attacks. But as soon as I am on the verge of a panic attack, I take long deep breaths with pauses inbetween (pauses are important!). It helps.

I made a guide and a comic about this while ago.

Fear monsters with restrictions

I’ve seen these terrifying creatures before in my intuitive paintings, but never in a glass.

I guess they are somehow held in a restricted area and that I can function alongside them, knowing I am kind of safe.

These creatures are probably my fears.

There is blood splatter in the glass, but also a beautiful meadow.

Everything about my fears and hypervigilance is not pitch black anymore.

Even fun things may stress you out

Today I was finally able to go buy the last pieces of furniture we need for our rearrangement at home. I had really been looking forward to this since I like rearranging.

But I had slept too little and ate too little. And I went to a noicy crammed mall and IKEA.

I had energy due to stress and cortisol, so I didn’t feel exhausted. After IKEA we went on and bought some stuff we’ve needed for quite a while and some stuff that was very necessary like new pants for my 12 year old which is growing so fast! I also ticked off stuff on my shopping list that had been there for over a year!

When living with fatigue I am very bound to my house and I seldom get to go to stores. So when I do go there I usually have a long list. I feel I have to get it since I don’t get many chances. And I get stessed out.

After four hours I was totally done for the day and went home for my bed. Four hours is a long time on any day and I guess my happiness for rearranging gave me the extra energy.

But when I came home I got the most horrible headache I’ve ever had. Painkillers didn’t help. I even googled migraine even though I’ve never had that before.

I also felt nauseous and my fear of migraine/feeling bad for a long time triggered panic attacks. Since I recognize the symptoms and kept breathing slowly with pauses and it helped. But it was so aweful! At last I fell asleep and slept for two hours.

Getting dizzy, having sudden waves of nausea, not being able to slow down, feeling I have to do things all the time are all signs of too much stress for me, so I know I must slow down now.

And sometimes my body makes an extra strong point of it…

Panic attack

Panic attack (or bug?). It’s basically fearing for one’s life. It’s the worst feeling ever.

Panic triggers

I got triggered by a thing that used to give me panic attacks the other day. I tried to keep it together and breathe. Not thinking about the weird sensations in my body. I held back and then I painted this intuitively. The triggers piercing my brain, taking over my body.

PS. I have not had a full-blown panic attack since I learned how to ‘breathe in a square’ some years ago.

Emptying

Emptying myself from the assaulter. Pouring out the traces in my body and brain.

Relax little body, you are not in danger anymore.

Infected suite

I was assaulted 16 years ago but I still feel infected by his gruesome body. It was not ‘only” an assault, he stole my trust, safety and independence. Even though I don’t think about the assault very often, it was an event that re-wrote my brain for fear. And I still live with that years after the immediate ptsd faded away.

Desperation

A planet I painted as an experiment with the wet-in-wet technique. But my unconsciousness has apparently stepped in even though this was not an intuitive painting. Upside down you can see my terrified face. It’s on the same theme as the panic suite.

Panic suite pt 3

This panic suite-painting is me on the ground with a massive hand above. This is unfortunately not a positive religious one, it is just showing how the assaulter is still controlling me.

I wrote ‘I did not want to become a victim, but I did.’

I remember that I thought to myself ‘this is not going to affect me. I am going to continue my life just as I like. I will not let my life be ruined.’

Unfortunately, that was not my thing to decide. I was heavily chocked and affected with PTSD and couldn’t leave the house for weeks. I was on sick leave for months and went to the therapist a lot of times to process what had happened.

But I do think I am onto something with the word victim. I lost my faith in humanity, the world, my life and myself that day. The thing I feared the most had happened and therefore anything could happen. I was not safe anymore. And have not been since.

Before that I had my naïve ‘it’s not going to happen to me‘ to lean on. But that faith disappeared completely and I started catastrophizing daily. Because it had happened to me.

Since then I have felt attacked and unsafe. Especially now with the exhaustion when my margins in life are very small. A little adjustment to the schedule may sweep me off the road due to my low energy level. No wonder I feel my everyday life is chaos.

And I am deeply afraid of chaos. And why is that? 1. I feel unable to cope with my feelings and meltdowns. 2. I feel unable to take care of myself. I panic and my logical brain shuts down (and therefore I am even worse at solving problems. A negative spiral.)

So, I must take charge again. Start to think and feel that I am not a helpless victim. I am strong, independent and can handle my feelings. I am afraid but I do it anyway. I am safe in myself. I have faith.

And I will fight back. I have been ‘frozen’ for so many years just as I was forced to be in the moment of the assault. With a pistol to my head I could not fight back and those feelings are stuck in my body. (Psychiatrist Kolk says the trauma victims which are not able to flee or fight are usually the ones most badly affected by trauma.)

It’s time to take charge.

The other parts in the panic suite.