Tough times

Life is very tough right now. I’m working hard with my online therapy and try to go to rehab in town. There are energy consuming practical problems at home and I am mourning my father-in-law who suddenly died from cancer a month ago. (We didn’t know he was ill until five days earlier.)

In the online therapy I practise self compassion and self validating and it’s so good. Especially in these times. I need to be kind to myself in order to keep going. I am doing the best that I can. (I can’t do more, I’ve already tried that and got terribly exhausted for years.)

Practising going to ‘work’

Today I play ‘pretend to work’ at my rehab centre. I want to try to go here twice some weeks and I didn’t find any suitable group activity today so I am here on ‘open hours’. But I guess it’s a golden opportunity to work on my comic that I started in july (!). I didn’t bother bringing all of my art supplies, so drawing it is.

Rehab is going well by the way. I’ve been here weekly the last month which is a good start. Just getting out of the house without too much stress, taking the tram to the city and be around people is a good practise for me. And I often do chores in town and take a walk afterwards. 👌

Progress!

Art rehab 2

I joined the art class on my rehab today and made some more challenges in Vedic art (using art as personal development).This challenge was about painting on small and big papers. I used the full (A4) space and made some tiny drawings.I guess this one is about trying and failing and getting back up. It’s about my healing process.For the second painting I used a very small brush for a large paper. I think the characters are different versions of me. I can see the outcast, the autistic overflowing brain, the comedy duck mom, the intellectual and the odd cynical one.The third image is about colouring a very small painting using only red, blue and yellow. I quickly realized I need white (light!) to be able to vary the colours. (Just as in life!)I also did two other themes: motion and position, but I forgot to take pictures so I will show you next week.

It’s bad

How everything is going with rehab? Bad.

I intuitively draw the same kind of drawings that I did quite a while ago when the burden was too heavy to carry. (Too many demands on me as exhausted.)I keep bracing myself and I can hardly stand up. And there is also this darkness there. 😫

I’ve had a lot of anxiety and really low energy with four exhausted afternoons in bed this week.

I was in such a good place this spring and summer, but it all comes back now. I’ve had a really bad temper the past week and there are a lot of signs of stress.

I guess this is quite normal when adding activities in life. But I doubt the whole thing more than I thought I would.

I have decided I need to slow down. Cut it down to one activity a week instead of two (one from home). I will try to join the art studio classes on Thursdays and leave the rest for now. I hope I will get used to it.

This rehab is for people ‘far away from work’ who need a place to go to to practise ‘doing stuff’ before trying to practise to work. It’s like a pre-pre-work place. They have activitites like yoga, walk and talk, computers, mindfulness, etc.

Art as rehab

I am joining weekly classes at the rehab centre and today I tried the art studio (perfect for me, but I am seldom awake in the morning classes… 😬).

Some of us tried Vedic Art principles where we work with different themes to learn more about art and ourselves.First we started with drawing simple lines. It actually often turns into nebulas, and I definitelty got into the shape even if it looks more like an almond. 😊

Another one turned out to be brains, with pencils in two hands. (It’s about the autistic brain.)Part 2 was shape and we were to draw a postcard upside down.Then we drew the shapes around the things on another postcard.…and then the lines between the betweens and things.Next part was colour. We either put colour to the shapes or made shapes out of colours. I chose watercolour. Today I needed green and blue.Part 4 was texture. I used acrylics to get some texture.I hope I will be able to continue on the 17 principles next week (so early in the morning for me… 😩)I also did some other drawings with lines where I put all of my frustration out. Felt so tired and relieved afterwards.

Neurodivergent mindfulness

Yesterday I tried out the mindfulness/meditation class at the rehab centre. I have tried meditation before but not really enjoyed it, but since I need to go to at least one activity per week I thought I could give it a try.

But it was really not my thing this time either… I see where they are going with it, but as a neurodivergent person I just can’t relax and let my thoughts pass by. As with ADHDers I get too little stimuli. My brain doesn’t work that way.


I think the mindfulness people try to reach a state of mind (being present) that I already go to in other situations.

I can just watch the insects or flowers or floor tiles or lamps and feel truly present. As autistic I even struggle with being too aware of beautiful details. When I walk or drive the car I tend to get stuck on things I see around me and kind of lose sense of what I am doing.

When writing this I’m not sure if it’s the same thing, though? But I sure am present when doing this. Even if it’s not exactly the same thing.

Another thing I think people are trying to find (especially when they are soulsearching in India or Mount Everest or whatever) is the sensation of flow.

It’s like the opposite of mindfulness/presence since time and room disappear into a flow of feeling good with what you are doing.

ADHDers and autistics usually go into flow rather easy (hey, special interests!), but I guess neurotypicals can’t since they keep trying to find the feeling by doing quite weird stuff like taking drugs, running marathons, dancing all night long at rave parties, parachute diving, etc.

Anyway. I prefer the state of flow when my thoughts wander freely. Counting the minutes at a mindfulness class is about the opposite of what I need in my life. (But I do believe other people may benefit from it.)

Rehab activities

In August I will start with my new rehabitational activities. I will make a schedule with Medborgarskolan and attend different activities like crafts, yoga, etc.

It’s supposed to be a nice ‘escape’ from my exhausting every day life at home, but I am scared of having MORE activities outside all of the parental and health care ones. But we will have to start really slow.

I hope I will enjoy it instead of getting drained by it. And I do love crafting! I really need a change in my life. (I’ve been ill with exhaustion since 2013 and haven’t tried ‘working’ since 2017.)

Handling fear and anxiety

I’ve had a night in pain when my pain killers didn’t even work. I’ve been so tense and my whole body was bracing worse than ever. (muscle armoring/body armoring)

I the morning I started off with analyzing my dreams (being ‘captured’ by social rules and then flight in the street), then I breath through my emotions. I felt them in my body and stayed with them while breathing slowly.

Finally I made these one minute sketches of my different emotions.
No wonder my body was tense and aching. I am terrified.

Tomorrow I will participate in a telephone meeting with my doctor and Försäkringskassan (handling my ‘sick pay’). We will talk about rehabitional activities for me.
I didn’t know I was so scared of this. I’ve felt a little nervous as I had very bad experiences of this a year ago. But I have obviously stored horrible emotions in my body.
.

After each drawing I felt my body relax a little. It was like a sigh of relief. Kind of like a ‘thank you for noticing what I’ve been trying to tell you’.

Yesterday I had a terrible heartburn (halsbränna) all day and my medicine hardly worked. My body is definitely trying to tell me things.

High demands

I had a really bad anxiety attack the other day due to Försäkringskassan (managing sick leave benefits). I drew some inutive drawings and I apparently feel the demands are too high. Försäkringskassan even says “jump”.

One day later I called them since they wanted a meeting at April 31th (😅) and she actually sounded really nice. She asked me to think about how THEY could help ME (not how they could force me out on a rehab too early). Cool.

So I am not that anxious anymore. I hope it will be fine on the meeting (30th of April 😊).

Rehab programme?

I saw the doctor again today after being worried about this for a month (she renews my sick leave papers every three months).

I was more nervous than anxious, but I was about to faint in the waiting room anyway. This is not new to me and it only happens when seeing health care employees and similar. This time I recognized the signs and had some water and started breathing proberly. (I never faint, but I get pale, the ears ring, I have to drink and lean forward.) I guess it’s due to not breathing much (anxiety).

We talked about how I can move forward despite my fatigue, c-ptsd symptoms, stress, body tension and exhaustion.

She said I need to get out of the house and get a free zone. And it’s not about working or having to override my low energy. It needs to be very individualized towards my needs and not very strict with dates and time. It should give energy.

She has talked about this for a year now, but today I finally understood what she means and I agree.

I would love to find a place to e.g. do crafts or renovate furniture, take care of plants or animals or similar. In a very non-stressful way in a very slow pace. Starting off with one hour once a week, then two etc.

It should be stress free and without deadlines and I should get out of this house with care for my kids and daily life.

Unfortunately it’s not so easy to find. There are rehab programmes, but they are often more like ‘do this between 10-12 AM on Mondays and 1-3 PM on Thursdays for 12 weeks’. It would stress me out.

And if I had such demands on me I wouldn’t be able to fit in other health care visits or school meetings since there would not be enough energy for that. (I have different meetings almost every week.)

But I will try to keep my hopes up for a nice rehab programme. And I will set boundaries if they try to force me into something else.