Bed of the autistic and ADHDer

Image of the characteristics of the beds of autistic people and ADHDers.

Swedish translation

Terrified

I seldom have nightmares, but I just woke up from a horrible one. I was ready to cry when I woke up, so I wrote about the nightmare and what it made me feel and drew the feelings.

I keep getting more and more PTSD triggers that I have to avoid to not have panic attacks. I know I shouldn’t avoid stuff, but I also know I can’t handle the terror by myself if I don’t avoid. I need help with this. It’s something really deep within I have to take care of (I don’t know what it is).

In five days I will have a meeting with öppenpsykiatrin (the therapy place) and see if they will help me. If not, I will have to get help some place else.

And I really should write and draw more. I need to get the emotions out of my body so I won’t have these horrible nightmares. 😢

Coping

I’ve been trying to hide from my feelings for a while since I can’t cope. But I keep getting more PTSD-triggers and lately I’ve been having horrible nightmares too.

I feel depressed and have existensial crisis thoughts. My life feels meaningless and it feels like I don’t know which direction to follow. I have a mid-life crisis (turning 40 next year) my kids are growing up and doesn’t need me anymore (14 and 10 years old) and I don’t know how to move forward.

I’m scheduled for a first meeting with ‘öppenpsykiatrin’ (specialist psychiatrist in Sweden) next week and I will have to bring a long list with all of my problems and diagnoses and medicines noted. I hope the waiting time for seeing a therapist won’t be too long. (It’s almost free in Sweden, but the waiting time can be like 2-12 months and only people with severe and/or complex problems get to see a therapist at öppenpsykiatrin if not paying privately.)

Today I have been drawing and writing my emotions out. It’s been a while, but it is necessary.

Turn fear into rage

I just dreamt that I was trying to flee from conflicts and my emotions, but there were no train tickets available. So, instead I transformed my fear into rage and let it all burst. It felt like a huge relief.

I’m caring for my inner terrified children through ‘ego state’ visualisations. I imagine taking care of them, saving them and bringing them to a safe house in the countryside.

After waking up I did another visualisation and went to the conference room where my terrified children always are.

Today they were not hiding under the table or sitting stiff and afraid. They were dressing up to fight back. Turning the fear into rage.

Later on in the visualisation the adult me turned into a huge bear and I roamed through the city, fighting everything that triggers my PTSD.

I am in fact very afraid of bears (we have brown bears in the Swedish forests) and have dreamt about seeing them in my sleep many times through the years.

And today, both in my sleep and in the visualisation, I turned fear into acting on my rage. I’m taking back the control. I am in charge. This is huge.

Next step in therapy

I need to work on my triggers in the daily life. There are so many things that causes anxiety and distress.

It’s all from my years with fatigue and burnout and I could handle these things well before 2014.

• Appointments
• Being prepared and waiting
• Having visitors
• Wake myself for an appointment
• Taking all the responsibility
• Demands
• Expectations of others
• Deadlines
• Be done in time
• Stress

I just can’t relax due to this. Never. My body is tense 24/7 and I lie stiff in my bed. I sit stiff in the couch and my muscles tightens within seconds after trying to relax them. (Muscle armoring) I’m always prepared.

I’m afraid of not making it, of not coping, having to make it, embarassing myself. Of sleeping in when having an alarm.

I’m afraid of chaos, emotions, crises, panic and anxiety. I have so much bad experience and I struggle with believing in my own ability to solve problems.

I’ve had so many years with a body that was stuck in bed and sleeping 12 hours a day. I couldn’t plan stuff since I never knew when I would be able to do stuff. My body could shut down at any moment.

I need to process the feelings and bad experiences. I need to work with myself in self therapy.

My life would be so much easier if I wouldn’t be so afraid all the time. I would have so much more energy if my body wouldn’t be so tense. I wouldn’t have to take painkillers and have pain during the nights. I would have more energy with less anxiety.

After some weeks with caring for my terrified inner child (through ‘ego state’ visualisations) I will now continue with addressing the above triggers.

I’m protecting myself

I’m trying ego state therapy visualisations to reach out to my ‘inner children’ who are all terrified (PTSD).

Today I entered the same room as always and my inner children had built a hut/fortress/cabin (Swedish: koja) under the table. They were all curled up and afraid of people entering the room and forcing them to come out and do stuff.

My adult me sat down in the other end of the room and told the kids they were safe. I locked the doors and said they could come out if they wanted and that I would protect and soothe them. Some of them came to me and I made them feel secure.

I will continue doing these visualisations to connect with the inner parts of myself until the kids are safe and fully absorbed into me (my adult me).

After doing these visualisations for some weeks I totally understand why I’m always bracing myself and why my body is so tense. I am in a 24/7 state of fear and I’m just trying to protect myself. I’m stuck in trauma time and I need to assure myself I can handle situations and emotions.

I’ve been drawing and painting the same situation for some years now. Hiding under the table and trying to reach out to the kid hiding.

Explaining PTSD

I’ve had anxiety all day and tried to explain to my almost-ten-year-old kid why I take anxiety medication.

I said that my brain still thinks I am a child and my inner child is very afraid. My daily life is rather good, but my brain gets triggered all the time by things that reminds me of horrible stuff in the past. Anxiety is about being afraid of feelings and I am afraid even though I am an adult. Since my brain is stuck in the past.

She understood.

Bullying

I know kids who tell their parents and teachers they get teased and bullied in school and the teachers immediately take action. They talk to the bullies and try to make sure it never happens again.

When I was in school in the 90s there was no ‘anti-bullying-plan’ and the teachers were not too interested in making a difference. Bullied kids like myself were told to thoughen up. It seems that many people thought bullying was a normal phenomenon in school and hard to stop.

My teacher in the first school years didn’t help me. I quickly learned to not come to her for help. Instead I learned I was wrong. If I wouldn’t be so weird the kids wouldn’t hate me so much (victim blaming!) So, I had to change.

And I didn’t stop believing I was wrong and had to change until I got my autism diagnosis by 35 years old.

Now I know my teacher was wrong.
And I am glad the kids get a better treatment today in school (at least in Sweden).

Ego state therapy

I’m reaching out to my terrified inner child by visualisations.

I’m currently reading this book by Anna Gerge: Hypnosbaserad Ego State terapi (Swedish for Hypnotic Ego State therapy). It’s about how you can connect with other parts of yourself (ego states). Sometimes they are cut off from you due to trauma. This therapy can be helpful for people who dissociate and have DID (dissociative identity disorder). I don’t dissociate, but my inner child is terrified and affects me daily due to PTSD after multiple traumas in my childhood and later.

I can’t do the hypnotic thing by myself, but I’m reading the book mostly to get advice about how to reach out through visualisations. I imagine approaching my inner child, hugging her and telling her my adulthood me is there for her. I imagine sitting in the lap of a (huge) caretaker and being soothed. I can’t tell myself to calm down with my reasoning voice, but I can show my inner kid how to feel safe when I visualize.

I hope my inner child will feel better soon and that I won’t feel terrified everyday when I get triggered. My body has been chronically tense for some years now and I hope it will be able to relax once I am less afraid and hyper vigilante.

Mourning as healing

I’m mouring all of the lost years I spent in a bed.

I’m mouring losing 8 out of 10 years with my youngest child (8 of 14 with the oldest). She was just 2 years old when I got ill and can’t remember a mom with energy.

I’m mourning all the desperation, the seeking for advice, the wanting to give up, the pressure from others to get better.

I’m mourning the awful feelings of being tied up and unable to help myself. Of being totally helpless. Of too many demands and too much pressure.

I’m mourning all of the things I missed out on. All the stage appearance of my kids, all the day trips and playing. All the activities I couldn’t join.

I’m mourning all the years I couldn’t work and that I had to drop out of my career. My new job must be very adapted to me and my autism, stress sensitivity, etc. I cannot do what I would like the most, I will have to go with what can be adjusted for me.

I mourn all these things since I need to do that. I need to process it to be able to let it go. I’m moving out of the trauma and putting it in the past. And therefore I need to mourn it. Mourn and let go.