I got really surprised yesterday when I was painting intuitively while coping with tough emotions. The painting changed while drying so I have photoshopped it to show the three steps.
First I drew this scared child which is protecting itself from the monster. I frequently draw these and I think they show how I am fighting my fears. This time I am standing up, so that is a good start.
In the end, I painted a cloud above me and I didn’t know why.
The cloud started pouring over and it created a barrier between me and the monster. I got really amazed when I realized what was happening in the painting. The barrier is protecting me!
Later on, I came back to my drying paintings and found this. I think it looks like a human in the barrier. It’s reaching over for me, protecting me. We are connecting and blending. Maybe it’s the rescuer I’ve been waiting for since I was a little kid?
I think this intuitive drawing is telling me something about me healing from complex PTSD.
I work every day with finding security and trust in myself, facing my fears and handling my feelings.
All my life I’ve longed for the rescuer who will protect me. (Now I want to protect myself.)
I started feeling nauseous and dizzy yesterday at the dentist’s. I had to lie down on the floor with the head down between my legs. On the way to a bed I almost fainted and had to lie down in the hallway. They gave me oxygen until I could make it to the bed.
I got a puking bag (but I didn’t puke), an apple, water, they opened the window, covered me in blankets and told me to rest. I even got a bun (didn’t think they had sugary stuff at the dentist’s 😅). After about 50 minutes I could stand up again and I got a new appointment in May.
I don’t know why I get these falls in blood pressure. They only happen when I am in health care situations (and only about a total of 10 times throughout my life).
I’ve heard about people fainting when seeing blood, but this is not about blood. But maybe it’s related in some kind of way? I do get nauseus when thinking about muscles/tendons/bones/inner body stuff for a while. Not teeth though. 🤔 (But I did see a poster with dental problems right before… 😬🤷♀️)
Anyway. It was very scary and I am just soooo exhausted today.
Last night I dreamt that I was at a party with my parents and their friends. I was wandering the big house trying to find solitude. I sat in the empty dining room, I sneaked into someone’s bedroom and generally tried to flee from all the people. I also told my parents I needed to go home now. But they said the hosts had not even served the dessert yet.
This dream is exactly the way it was when I was younger. I could handle people for some hours and then I craved solitude due to being introvert and autistic. I always wandered around in empty rooms trying to hide. Or I sat in the car. And I just couldn’t go home when I needed to.
This is not really the situation as an adult, but when we are visiting people not living close it’s not so easy for me to go home when I need to since I am not alone in this family and there is an transportation issue.
Nowadays people understand my need for rest and solitude better though and I often take breaks and lie down. And I don’t have to sit in the car anymore. That is good.
Autistics, introverts, ADHDers, etc. often struggle to find their place in the society since the western society nowadays is built for extroverted high achieving neurotypicals.
I like to think about what kind of role (job) I would have if I lived the way humans have lived for most of our history: in tribes/clans of around 10-25+/- people.
As an introverted autistic I would certainly not be a hunter/gatherer, caretaker of children or cook if I could avoid it. I would probably be the weird but wise person in a hut/corner with special knowledge about something (since autistic!). Or the one managing medicine or coming up with new ideas for tools, etc.
I can apply this idea to our modern work life. I will not be able to thrive in a social work place with lots of meetings and customer support. I want to work in solitude and I prefer to specialize/move sideways instead of trying to reach the top in the company. I am not interested in being a boss or having a lot of responsibilities. And that is OK.
The world needs all kinds of people and personalities. Sadly a lot of jobs nowadays focus on being social and handling a lot of input and stress. I wish more companies would make use of autistics’ eyes for details and ADHDer’s creativity. (ADHDers were excellent hunters/gatherers by the way. And they led the expeditions that made humans spread all over the world.)
Which role would you have in a tribe?
I had a really bad anxiety attack the other day due to Försäkringskassan (managing sick leave benefits). I drew some inutive drawings and I apparently feel the demands are too high. Försäkringskassan even says “jump”.
One day later I called them since they wanted a meeting at April 31th (😅) and she actually sounded really nice. She asked me to think about how THEY could help ME (not how they could force me out on a rehab too early). Cool.
So I am not that anxious anymore. I hope it will be fine on the meeting (30th of April 😊).
People ask why some people are so sensitive and seem unable to handle any setback.
Just like trees it’s important to have a skin/shield/bark to be able to cope with struggles in life. Trees have an amazing ability to withstand pest insects, heavy rain, drought, fungus and other threats, but if they start to lose their bark, they get very vulnerable.
Smaller holes can grow back before fungus or insects destroy too much, but when the tree is too severely attacked it dies.
Trees losing a lot of bark can’t withstand much threats at all and the same goes for humans.
Repeated struggles, crises and traumas does not make you stronger, it makes your ‘skin/bark’ less durable. You don’t get used to it as some may think, the negative emotions wear you down.
Just as with attacked trees there comes a point when you can’t handle it anymore. Trees die and eventually fall down. Humans can survive if they seek help and/or change their situation.
Being unable to handle things in life is not due to being a weak person, it’s because you have already handled too much. Don’t listen to people with less experience telling you something else.