I can listen better if I get to doodle at the same time

doodle_by_pebbel

 

Image: A child who is drawing on a paper.
Text: I can listen better if I get to doodle at the same time. People who struggle with focus and restlessness don’t (generally) fidget/doodle/ wriggle to distract themselves or bother others. It’s a coping mechanism to be more present and able to listen. Let people doodle!

Tension

Woke up with an anxiety that I couldn’t reasonate with how much I tried (well, I seldom can anyways πŸ™„).

My family will be having a four week vacation with me in July and there are so many deadlines and sleepovers and having to pack and travel and other stressful things.

I started drawing to release the emotions and I am once again amazed by what my body stores for me.

I am apparently holding on tight and trying to manage even though I am so tired. As I drew it felt like my body sighed and released it’s tense grasp of my inner core.

I am happy I have this channel for my emotions. Now I will try to adjust my summer schedule to my needs.

I have not been able to create or write much the last weeks. I am totally overwhelmed with everything happening in the world and in my everyday life.

The other day I drew this showing my frustration.

I guess this is a good symbol for 2020 since it has been very frustrating and hard for most humans.

People are dying of Covid-19 and people are quaranteened (or as in Sweden frustrated with people not following the physical distancing and hygiene rules). People not agreeing with black lives matter (!), police brutality, forest fires, crazy/scary presidents, economic collapses and people getting poor.
I think we need to allow ourselves to feel frustrated, angry and sad. We shall process the emotions and turn them into action. Fight racism, hang in there with the pandemic, protest crazy presidents and governments, protect the nature and climate and support local companies and poor people.

You are doing good! (And if you have no energy left for fighting, just surviving is fine too! πŸ’œ) We do this together!

I made it

I attended a wedding this Saturday and was upright for the whole day and social between 3PM to midnight.

I sang a funny song together with three relatives, managed the computer and screen (with technical problems!) and the music for the music quiz.

It was 27Β°C and very hot and I had to wave my fan almost all the time.
But it was nice and I coped well and I didn’t feel too weird when saying no to all drinks except for water (no alcohol, no alcohol-free kind of yucky drinks and no bubbles due to my stomach). It was a huge success.
But yesterday I slept all afternoon and I expect quite lot of sleep and resting the following days. That’s a natural thing after using like two weeks of energy in one day. But I will be fine. Sometimes it’s worth it.

Rehab activities

In August I will start with my new rehabitational activities. I will make a schedule with Medborgarskolan and attend different activities like crafts, yoga, etc.

It’s supposed to be a nice ‘escape’ from my exhausting every day life at home, but I am scared of having MORE activities outside all of the parental and health care ones. But we will have to start really slow.

I hope I will enjoy it instead of getting drained by it. And I do love crafting! I really need a change in my life. (I’ve been ill with exhaustion since 2013 and haven’t tried ‘working’ since 2017.)

Utterly frustrated

My family has complained about my bad temper the past two days and I’ve been wondering if I have PMS in the wrong time of my menstrual cycle? 🀨

But as I feel my feelings and draw them out I realize I am just so utterly frustrated with a lot of stuff in my life. I actually feel like the cat meme.

It often feels like that if I don’t hold this family/days/life/myself together everything will fall apart and turn into chaos (my nightmare as autistic).

Everything just feels loose and floating freely right now. So I have gotten mad with frustration.
And I am goint to validate my emotions. I am not weird and my feelings are valid. My situation right now is frustrating and too much for me.

I will have to take a step back and ask for help.
It’s good I have access to my true feelings through my pencil.

Me att weddings

Are weddings like the ultimate neurotypical event non-fit for autistics (and introverts?). To me it feels like everyone should love them and all the things about them, but I just feel completely non-fit for it. πŸ˜… (I am attending a small wedding in about two weeks.)

My own wedding was stripped of all the stuff I don’t like and we had about 20 guests (closest family and friends). Our welcome drink was hot cocoa and we got married by a lake in February (cold!). The party was short and no dancing, no speeches, not silly stuff. No bridal shower, no bridesmaid, nothing embarassing or weird in my (autistic) mind. 😁 But my mother-in-law got me to buy a proper dress and cakes. And it felt OK. πŸ˜… (And I think everyone should do whatever they like on their weddings!)

But the ‘doing things just out of tradition/expectation’ just feels so wrong for me. I do what I like and leave the rest.

‘I’m not good at anything’

I often get jealous of people being good at gaming, drawing, singing, working or whatever. I never get that good at anything, partly because I do a lot of different things (can’t choose) and partly because I start at a totally different place in the race to the top. I’m not talking discrimination/minorities/privilege now (also very important!) I’m talking about how I struggle every day with coping and surviving.

If I could have used all of my energy on getting a good artist or writer or gardener I would have come so far. I really envy all of you that have the chance.

But I do the hardest work of them all. I try to survive with mental illnesses and coming back from traumas. I am self healing and facing my fears. I’m coping with anxiety and disabling fatigue.

That I still try to be a better gamer and draw comics and write is amazing due to how tired I am.

On the other hand I think my childhood traumas and mental illnesses have given me more of a fighting spirit. Not that I have become more STRONG, just that I have a hunger for revenge. And an urge to share my experience. And I want to live to do that.
So, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I am actually doing the things most people just can’t. (They abuse/substance abuse/shove down their feelings and pass on their traumas instead.)
I am good at stuff.